Stop Whining -- You Lack Discipline!

Blog is no longer defunct.

2006-01-18T09:48:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine said I should start blogging again. She has a blog. She also has a defunct phone number. "Defunct" or "now defunct" (not sure why there needs to be emphasis on the "now". I assume shen someone tells me something in defunct they mean now. If it isn't defunct now, it isn't defunct and therefore isn't much of an issue). Anway. We should start using the world for other things. My "now defunct" boyfriend or things like that.

So what is new with me? Well I had a promotion at work so that has been fun. I am thinking of moving too. Finally get my own place and not do the roommate thing anymore. I am single. Been going on dates, but nothing much happening. Maybe I need to chill and just spend some time by myself. The dates cost me too much money.

So, happy now, my friend with the defunct phone number?

Back again

2005-11-07T07:37:00.000-05:00

I just got back from two weeks of traveling. One week in Orlando, FL. and one week in Sofia, Bulgaria. Orlando was scary, Bulgaria was lovely. I didn't have good Internet access in Sofia so I could not post, but I will try to retrace my steps and post about my trip. It really was the best trip I've had as of yet.

Back, and just in time

2005-10-22T14:39:00.000-04:00

For anyone wondering I made it back to New York before Wilma is supposed to strike. I think a good 36 hours ahead of Wilma, so no worries!

Orlando, UK

2005-10-21T22:14:00.000-04:00

Maybe it is the hotel I am staying in. Maybe it is this time of year. But for every American I see in Orlando I see 10 British people (mostly English I gather). My whole hotel is English. The pub in the lobby plays cheesy dance music and shows soccer and there are two more English pubs across the street. This place is "Little England".

They are having a blast though. Sun, big hotels, pools, outlet malls. They are like pigs in shit and it is great to watch.

Good part is is that I am the best looking guy in the hotel and have the best teeth. But, on the other hand, I am the best looking woman too I think.

Quote of the day

2005-10-20T13:54:00.000-04:00

At a session today, by a man whose ID badge said "Chief Technology Officer".

"I don't know a lot about technology".

Good contacts

2005-10-20T08:44:00.000-04:00

Had a really nice Thai dinner last night with some folks from two small New England colleges. One of them was a higer up person in the library/IT division and expressed some interest in me working for them sometime if the opportunity arose. Would definitely not mind working at a small school in New England!

Meetings, etc.

2005-10-19T16:26:00.000-04:00

So started off the day with a meeting between me, our CITO and the Blackboard reps (V.P, sales, etc.) I would hate to be a vendor or a salesperson. You just have to sit there and take whatever the client is dishing out. Not fun. I pretty much just sat and watched. I am new to all of this and am still learning. I think I have the ability to do this job, but still deciding if it is something I will have a passion for. DO NOT want to become a management talking head. Never. I still think of myself as an intellectual and academic. If my role is helping OTHER academics achieve their goals then I feel I am contributing, but I want to make sure I am always helping faculty, researchers, and students. The minute I stop doing that, I want to stop the job and maybe do something I love. Teach? Herd reindeer? I am sure I will think of something.

After the meeting I went to a seminar on project management and then a seminar on library/IT collaboration. They were both OK. Learned mostly that what I am facing at NYU is what everyone is facing.

So off to the poster session. There is one on blogging I want to check out and then it is off to dinner at a Thai place with my friend from the library and some others.

There is a chance I may get stuck in the hurricane here, but hopefully not. Will keep watching the weather.

Why am I blogging so much?

2005-10-18T14:31:00.000-04:00

Well they have a great computer set-up here at the conference. There must be at least 100 terminals here for web browsing and email. Maybe this is what a lot of conferences are like, but I typically go to ones where you only have five or six computers for email.

Of course, today is a pre-conference workshop day so not so many people are here. I am sure tomorrow the place will be packed and I will not be blogging that much.

Wore a suit and tie today. Only a few other people are, but I don't care, I feel good.

Am I a bullshitter...?

2005-10-18T12:49:00.000-04:00

I just had a half hour conversation with someone from the Washington Consortium of Research Libraries. I really don't know sometime if perhaps I do know what I am talking about or perhaps I am just a good bullshitter. We talked about the TEI, d-space, digital libraries. He knew a lot but I also knew a bit more bout TEI than he did. I couldn't help hearing this voice in the back of my head saying "you are a poser. you don't care about it." So am I a bullshitter, or am I good at this stuff and just not committed to it with a passion, or do I just not have enough confidence in myself? Who knows. I'd like to find out.

Wonderboy?

2005-10-18T10:21:00.000-04:00

I am at this pre-conference workshop on Digital Asset Management. I am the youngest one there by far, but holding my own. Am I really a wonderboy?

Feckin IRN BRU

2005-10-17T21:58:00.000-04:00

I went into this Irish Pub here in Orlando (steak place was closed) and would you believe it, they actually had IRN BRU

back...

2005-10-17T19:34:00.000-04:00

So it seems I only blog when I travel. I guess not much goes on in my daily life to warrant blogging. So I am here in Orlando for the 2005 Educause conference and I am learning some things already:

-- don't use a car rental company called "Payless".
-- get one step up from economy class.
-- if your company is paying for it, get the more expensive hotel.
-- find out if you really need to pay that extra $25 a day for insurance on the rental car.

But hey, things are fine. I am in my own quiet room at the Holiday Inn with cable, wireless internet, and a pool and work will be pay for my meals for the next week.

Speaking of which, I am going to meet my co-worker John down in the lobby in a few minutes and go get a steak and a beer.

I forgot my USB cable for my digital camera so I am not sure if I will be able to upload images until I am back in NYC. But if I can pick one up in the stores.

Will keep you updated on the conference.

Shit

2005-10-06T19:08:00.000-04:00

Shit.

Katrina coverage

2005-09-03T08:35:00.000-04:00

Here is how the Swedish press is covering Katrina. It is the main story here. These links will change soon as they are the main page of the news paper

http://www.dn.se/
"Swedish Help is on the Way"

http://www.svd.se/
"10,000 may have died after the hurricane"

http://www.expressen.se/
"Over 10,000 feared dead in Lousianna"

http://www.aftonbladet.se/
"Now help is coming"

Last day in Sweden

2005-09-03T08:32:00.000-04:00

So sitting in a cafe in Stockholming using some free wireless, enjoying a coffee, and unfortunately reading about the devastation in New Orleans. Almost brings me to tears. Despite that I am enjoying my last day here. It is a lovely city when the weather is nice and the summer is lingering much to the joy of the Swedes. Pretty soon it will be snowing here and the temperatures will be 10 below 0. Amazing how drastic the seasons are here.

I am going to walk around a bit, buy some books and other things. Sweden is playing Bulgaria in soccer tonight -- a World Cup qualification game -- so I will definitely watch the.

Then it is home and back to New York.

See you all soon!

Coming home soon

2005-09-01T06:37:00.000-04:00

Well I will come home in a few days, Sunday. All in all it was a good trip but I guess I am feeling a bit down today. I think that always happens when you are near the end of a vacation and have to get back to regular life, even if that regular life is pretty good too. Change is always hard. I really like it here though and wouldn't mind living here. I like the pace, the culture, etc. Suits me. Though I only know it from a tourists perspective I still like it.

Been always thinking about London a lot (since I am closer to it geographically now). I wonder if I passed up my dream to live in Europe?

Today I am going to rent a bike and ride around Djurgården ("deer garden" in English or more exactly "animal park". It is a big park/island inStockholmm that used to be the royal hunting grounds. There is an amusement park and a few museums plus a lot of bike paths. Will check it out.

Last weekend we went to Åland which is an island (or group of islands) between Sweden and Finland. Martina's mom has a summer house there and it was just lovely. I lost my free internet connection at the apartment so will have to wait until I get back to the states to post the pictures. Will put up a link.

See you all soon

Oh My God, I Just Drove a Car in Sweden!

2005-08-26T06:39:00.000-04:00

I just picked up the rental car and drive it home. Wow, first time I ever drove a car in another country. Not too different really, but I was pretty nervous at first, afraid I would not recognize some sign or not know about some driving rule. But it looks like it will be OK. Sounds silly, but I find it cool!

On another note, I went to the army museum yesterday and it was actually quite cool!

God Hates Sweden?

2005-08-25T03:23:00.000-04:00

Wow, I didn't believe it when Martina first told be, but there is an American pastor, Fred Phelps, who has a grudge against Sweden because Sweden prosecuted a pastor here for hate speech. He is actually coming here on Sept 5 with 20 of his congregation to protest the king.

Be warned, his web site is VERY offensive, racist, homophobic (the list goes on).

http://www.godhatessweden.com/

And one for the guys . . .

2005-08-23T02:42:00.000-04:00

Hey, we like a girl in uniform too!

One for the ladies

2005-08-23T02:37:00.000-04:00

I know how girls like a guy in uniform..

Today's photo

2005-08-23T02:28:00.000-04:00

I liked how this one came out. Was taking pictures of signs in Stockholm

It worked!

2005-08-23T02:17:00.000-04:00

I was able to unlock my phone and put in a Swedish SIM card. So now I have a bona-fide Swedish phone number :-) If you want to try it yourself on your next trip, the site I used was:

http://www.unlockitnow.com/

You have to have a new SIM card ready when you want to unlock it so I wouldn't do it until you have bought the new SIM or have some elses SIM you want to try.

International Tech Geek

2005-08-22T02:25:00.000-04:00

I am entering the world of International Tech Geekdom today by unlocking my phone. For those of you who don't know, when you are in another country you can buy a SIM card for that country and put it in your phone. That way you have a local phone number and don't have to pay the international roaming charges. But first you have to unlock your phone so it can work on other networks. When you buy your phone it is locked to work on whatever network you purchased it from (t-mobile, verizon etc.). You can either go into a store here and they will unlock it for $30 or you can go to a website and pay $15. I did the latter and will let you know how it goes. Then you just pop into a shop and buy a prepaid SIM card and put it in the phone!

Cool picture

2005-08-21T07:26:00.000-04:00

Bridge
Originally uploaded by Matthew Zimmerman.

A photo of an impressive concrete bridge in Stockholm.

Finally some Photos

2005-08-21T03:36:00.000-04:00

So I put my digital camera to the test last night and it worked pretty well. After an afternoon of just hanging around and relaxing Martina suggested we take a walk. It ended up being a six mile walk around a lake here in Stockholm. But it was great. The students start school tomorrow so this is the last weekend to have fun and there was so much going on. We passed a latin festival, a street performer festival, a film festival, numerous cafes, people on boats. It was lovely. To get a little idea of what Sweden looks like, here are some photos. The first is of the main scare in Uppsala, the others are a view from Martina's balcony and some of the public gardens near her apartment. More to come!

I Stockholm

2005-08-20T06:58:00.000-04:00

Hello, now I am in Stockholm. The first week I was in Uppsala, about 40 minutes north of Stockholm. It is the "Oxford of Scandinavia" in that it is the oldest and most respected university. In some ways it is the Canterbury too in that it is the seat of the Swedish church and the location of the main Cathedral. On top of that it is the old Viking are of Sweden. The area is called Svea ---- that is where the word Sverige comes from (Sve-Rige = Svea Rike or Svea Kingdom). Sverige is the Swedish word for Sweden.

So I am here in Stockholm now. I will stay at my friend Martina's place for the next two weeks. Stockholm is a lovely place in the summer and I am looking forward to two weeks of relaxation.

Digital Camera

2005-08-19T15:05:00.000-04:00

Picked up a digital camera today: a Fuji Finepix, 5 megapixel. It is OK. It is midrange, not as nice as the Cannon Elphs but more affordable. Hmm, maybe I should have sprung the extra bucks for the Cannon. Oh well, I will try to get some photos up when I can.

En fin dag i Stockholm

2005-08-17T12:25:00.000-04:00

Had a very nice day in Stockholm today. Monica and I did a little bit of work at school until 11:30 and then hopped the train down to stockholm to have lunch with her advisor, Donald Brody. We had a great lunch at the Museum of Modern art with a great view of the harbor. The weather was perfect today, the best I have ever seen in Sweden -- about 70 degrees, sunny, a few clouds in the sky, just perfect.

After lunch Donald took me around to see a few things in Stockholm while Monica was in a meeting namely the Medieval Museum, the Cathedral, the Gothenberg (a newly built ship that is an exact replica of a ship from the 1700s, and the Rising Sun (a yacht belonging to the guy who started Oracle, Larry Ellison. The Rising Sun, was, well it left me speechless. It was docked right up near the street so you could practically touch it. It really was the largest, cleanest, and most impressive (and obnoxious) yacht I have ever seen. It really did leave my speechless and that rarely happens.

Love Actually

2005-08-17T04:09:00.000-04:00

No, this isn't some mushy posting about love. It is just about the movie 'Love Acutally'. I watched last night on my laptop and it was great! Hugh Grant, Emma Thompson, and Colin Firth all in one movie. How great. Was just a really lovely film.

I am here on Day 3 at the Teachers' Training College in Uppsala working on the translation. I overslept today, but found my way to the building OK. Today we are going to Stockholm to meet with Moncia's advisor. We will have lunch at the Modern Museum of Art in Stockholm. Should be great. I hope to have a digital camera in a few days so will be able to post pictures.

All for now.

I've got the power

2005-08-16T03:13:00.000-04:00

I finally sorted out my power issues. Monica bought an adapter for my Mac yesterday and I found a phone charger for 15 bucks. Not bad. Still quite stupid that I forgot my adapters, since I do indeed have them.

Feeling a little funny today. I didn't feel jet lagged the first two days here, but I think it is hitting me now. I could not sleep last night and now my stomach feels a bit strange. I was up until late reading the Autobiography of Malcolm X. Really good stuff. I think it is the best thing I have read this year a long with "A People's History of the United States".

So we are set up here in our room at the teachers training school here at the university. They have one school for educational research and one school that does teacher training. Talk about separating theory and practice!

So much nice stuff here I would like to buy but I am already in debt enough. Sigh...

My Swedish is getting better.

2005-08-15T08:48:00.000-04:00

A story headline in Expressen (Swedish tabloid):

Victoria: Jag har aldrig läst en bok
(Victoria: I have never read a book)

This was referring to Victoria Beckam (aka Posh Spice)

Day One

2005-08-15T08:06:00.000-04:00

Weather is beautiful in Uppsala. Town is quiet because the students are all away for the summer.

I met with Monica today and we are spending the day just setting things up. I stupidly left my European power adapter at home so Monica is at the Mac store now buying me one. But that is just for my computer. I need to find a USA to Swedish plug adapter here, and it is hard to find, as you can guess they don't sell a lot of them here :) They are usually buying the Swedish to USA adapters for their trips. Sighh. Maybe I can just buy a charger at the phone store. I am such a moron sometimes.

Besides that, everything else is fine. We should get working on the project in earnest tomorrow. Oh and one of Monica's colleagues is lending me a bike for the week. That will help a lot.

The room I am renting is indeed just a room in someone's apartment, which is a bit odd, but should be ok. I really just need a place to sleep and shower. I haven't met the woman yet. Our schedules seem to be making us miss each other but I do need to find out if it is Ok for me to use the kitchen and fridge. I am assuming it is.

So, nothing interesting to report for now.

Matt

Is this a joke?

2005-08-14T04:02:00.000-04:00

I had a bit of a shock when I arrived at the Uppsala Central Station this morning at 7:30. I can't get in my room until noon so I had over 4 hours to kill. I figured I would spend some of the time at the usually empty Uppsala train station. So you can imagine my surprise when I got to the station and there were about 20, unkempt, unwashed, unshaved Swedish youths with backpacks and bedrolls sleeping all over the floors and benches. I had never seen something like this in Sweden. They don't really have homeless people. Then I thought maybe it is the high travel season and these are just Swedish youths backpacking their way across Sweden, but this many in Uppsala? Then I put it all together.. .The field full of tents I saw on the way in... The smelly youths... And the headline of the local newspaper "Regae Festival". Jesus Christ. Is God playing a joke on me? I travel across the ocean every year to get a way from shit like this, and now there is one in Uppsala? Uhggg. Stop laughing!

Well luckily it is over and the dreadlocked (yes, blue-eyed blondes with dreadlocks) are on their way home.

So I am here and have some time to kill. I am staying in a private room off of someone's flat here in Uppsala, but I had to pick up the key at a local hotel. Since the shops were all closed and I had time to kill I had a nice Swedish buffet breakfast at the hotel. It was good, but I stuffed myself: bread, cheese, meat, coffee, juice, mmmm. So good. I am curious what this private room will be like. I hope it is my own place and not someone's bedroom in an apartment.

So a few things I forgot about Sweden:

1. It is expensive. The exchange rate is not too bad-- breakfast was 10 dollars, one hour of internet at this cafe is 3 bucks. Not too bad I guess, but in general it is expensive.

2. It doesn't get hot here! It was 50 degrees in the morning when I got here and will go up to 70.

3. People don't wear shorts here! (see #2). Even the Regae kids were in pants and sweatshirts. I brought a few pairs of jeans and some oxfords so I should be ok, but I also forget how mild the summer is here. I looked like a real tool coming into the hotel at 8 AM, disheveled from the trip and wearing shorts. Honestly. I am the only one here in shorts.

4. Swedish youths are such punk-ass bitches. They have such a comfy life here they really do all the can to look "bad" - Regae, gangsta, 70's unkempt look. But, it is all a look, they are about as bad as.. Well.. Me!

So, hope to keep you all updated on my trip.

Don't Mess With Kansas!

2005-07-27T18:53:00.000-04:00

I was having a little dinner in Cafe Regio and reading What's the Matter With Kansas? when a family sitting next to me kept looking at me. Finally the wife and mother said (in a joking manner) "We see you are reading 'What's the Matter with Kansas?'. We are from Kansas! There's nothing the matter with it!"

They obviously knew the book and weren't too happy with it. I mean, do you blame them? I wouldn't like a book called What's the Matter with Pennsylvania? We talked a little bit about the book, but what could I say really? They did know the argument of the book, knew the author, where he was from and even where the title of the book came from. But, according to the wife "we don't agree with the premise" that they vote against their own economic interests. The thing is, they didn't look working class. Ok, what does "working class" look like? But they were thin, tan, healthy, dressed nice, nice jewelry and could afford a trip to NYC, so I don't think they were working class so I think they may have missed the point of the book.

On the other hand, they were what would New Yorkers would think of as people from Kansas: white, fair hair/eyes, conservatively dressed, white socks and sneakers, and no trace of irony. I have to be honest; I think most New Yorkers who label themselves as "liberal" would make fun of these people as, well, tourists from Kansas, squares, middle Americans. I don't think the idea of "liberal elite" is a fabrication. These people are open minded enough to come to NYC for vacation, take their kids to an interesting Greenwich Village cafe, and I think all they would get in return for this was mocking from the ironic set. That is a blanket statement, but I think true.

I tried to be nice to them and told them to enjoy their trip but I think they were a little annoyed with my reading choice!

I told them I didn't have anything against Kansas.

Triumph of the Will

2005-07-26T20:50:00.000-04:00

I have been watching Leni Riefenstahl's Triumph of the Will (Triumph des Willens) netflix imdb. Though it is a documentary of the party meeting of the National Socialist German Workers' Party (aka Nazis) in 1934, it is quite amazing on many levels. The first is just Riefenstahl's cinematic vision. She truly was ahead of her time and a master behind the lens. The second is the pageantry of the Nazis themselves. Yeah, the were bad people, but they sure knew how to put on a parade. Lastly though is just the chill of watching this today with the hindsight of what happened 5 years later. I do recommend this movie to anyone who is a student of film. Subject matter aside, Riefenstahl is brilliant. If a Nazi party meeting is a little too heavy for you then check out her documentary of the 1936 Olympics netflix imdb

But lessons can be learned from films like this. The language of Hitler is not too far from the language of the religious right in the US today. Hitler created a right wing party on the backs of the working class and one of his earliest scapegoats, before Jews, was the "intellectuals" who he felt sold out Germany at Versailles. Remember that the openness of the Weimar republic was very similar to the openness of the 1960's and 1970's in the US which much of the extreme right-wingism in today is a backlash against. And how often do you here Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly complaining about "liberal academics"?

Don't get me wrong. I hate the Democrats the hippies as much as the next guy and feel they have caused enough damage to the country, but there has to be a better response.

I thought of this while reading Thomas Frank's What's the Matter with Kansas amazon which I highly recommend.

Supreme Court

2005-07-01T13:04:00.000-04:00

Well I suppose since everyone else in the U.S. is blogging about O'Connor's upcoming retirement, I should as well.

First, I was as surprised as anyone. All eyes were focused on Rehnquist so it really caught me off guard.

But I don't think it is disaster that everyone (at least in New York) are predicting. I think the possibility of two seats opening at once leads the way for the possibility of compromise in the Senate. And I think the recent compromise on the filibustering and nuclear option will hold.

I am a bit dismayed though at the panic I have been hearing (from my girlfriend, co-workers, and from a few blogs I read). Admittedly I am middle of the road politically and male so my emotional connection to Roe v. Wade is different and this colors my view. But I think it is dangerous to talk about a Supreme Court nomination in terms of one issue, however important that issue might be.

Sadly though, I think this "litmus test" attitude is a result of the Democrats. The Warren court started the trend of judicial activism and legistlation from the bench that has turned the court more political and therefore turned nominations into "issue tests" instead of tests of the judges' ability to interpret the Constitution. You can't have it both ways. If you want the court to legislate in Brown v. Board of Education and Roe v. Wade you have to be prepared that the other side will do the same thing.

I think the more lamentable thing is not that we might have a conservative court but that the court has become so politicized and legislative that both sides (Republicans and Democrats) apply litmus tests' equally.

But what has gotten me most upset I think, is that I fear this is going to be another instance of politics as fashion in New York. During the lead up to the invasion of Iraq politics was the fashion here. I have no quantitative evidence for this, just anecdotal and my gut feeling, but I think what was important for the left leading up to the war was wearing the right t-shirt, knowing the right slogan, and marching in the right protest. I was against the war and went to a march but had to leave because of all the signs equating Republicans to Nazis. (I am registered Republican).

So much more can be accomplished by working within the system -- getting involved in local government, writing to your senator, donating money to political action groups. I really doubt that most New Yorkers do any of those things. But that is the way change happens and it is what the Republicans do. It makes me think that for Democrats it is more about the problem then the solution.

So I think this time there needs to be less slogans, chanting, t-shirts and Bush-bashing and more political action at local, state and federal levels. Because the politics as fashion stuff really turns off those of us in the middle who could be your allies if you gave us a chance.

Apologies for this being a purely anecdotal 'what I feel' post. I could have my facts all wrong.

blogger images

2005-06-30T16:21:00.000-04:00

Looks like you can upload images now.

Honestly, we are laughing WITH you!

2005-06-28T20:54:00.000-04:00

Don't really know what to say. But it is coming to NYC schools now.

http://www.dontlaugh.org/

Flickr

2005-06-27T19:39:00.000-04:00

matt_glasses
Originally uploaded by Matthew Zimmerman.

Hey, this is me. Testing my photos from Flickr

Terrapass

2005-06-27T13:43:00.000-04:00

Came across this in the recent issue of Wired.

http://www.terrapass.com/

It is modeled on the emissions trading that industry uses. So if you car causes x amount of pollution you buy a terrapass that funds projects that remove x amount of pollution.

I am sure the eco-geeks will revolt against this because 1. There is some evidence that it works 2. It is a compromise and 3. It is very unromantic and doesn 't involve tying yourself to a tree or dancing around banging a drum, but it still seems like an interesting idea.

Good movie

2005-06-26T22:41:00.000-04:00

Just watched "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" with Audrey Tautou. The French title is À la folie... pas du tout.

I know we are all sick of seeing Audrey in films, but in this one she plays a psychotic lover. Don't want to give too much away but the film uses the (now passe) multiple viewpoint method of telling the story. So for the first 30 mins you see the story from Audrey's point of view and you assume that she is having an affair with a married man and things have gone sour. Then it rewinds and you see the story from the man's point of view and you realize that Audrey has imagined the whole thing. The man doesn't even know her.

Then things get fun. Sort of like Fatal Attraction except the female lead is actually attractive and doesn't look like Dee Snyder.

Really nice

2005-06-15T19:51:00.000-04:00

Wow, the more time I spend in Victoria, the more I like it. Such a lovely place.

Here are some more pictures from downtown Victoria.

Twilight Zone

2005-06-14T17:32:00.000-04:00

Ok, Oliver and I are convinced we are in some sort of Twilight Zone. Or maybe we are just not used to people being nice.

Things overheard in Victoria:

"Why don't you take these customers first and then we can do the paperwork" (beer delivery guy at liquor store)

"If the internet doesn't work, call right away and we will take care of it" (check in clerk at student housing)

"hello" (person walking down the street)

What is going on??? Have you been transported into another world?

Vic Rox

2005-06-14T11:52:00.000-04:00

Hey Victoria really rocks! Here are some photos of an interesting milk product, the bunnies in front of our dorm, AND the great dorm/townhouse Oliver, Gary, and I are staying in!

Feeling Victorian

2005-06-14T03:39:00.000-04:00

Hey all,

Safe and sound in Victoria, B.C. Was on the runway in Toronto for 2 hours because of thunderstorms, so we got here a little late. Midnight Victoria time -- 3 AM New York time.

Going to order a pizza and go to bed.

Total dorks

2005-06-13T12:42:00.000-04:00

Ok, Gary, Oliver and I are total dorks.

We are at LaGuardia airport and Gary has paid the $6.95 for wireless access. I am sharing his internet connection via and ethernet cable and then Oliver is sharing MY internet connection via our airport cards.

How cool!!!

Matt

Victoria, here I come.

2005-06-13T09:21:00.000-04:00

So I leave in a few hours for the Association for Computers and the Humanities conference in Victoria, British Columbia. I am looking forward to it.

I had a hard past 4 months, for no real reason. Just a choice of whether I wanted to take a job or not, but I made it much bigger than I had to. This will be the first time I see the folks from King's and my other colleagues since the decision. But I am looking forward to it nonetheless. I think it will be good for me.

So.... time to get packed. Will update you all on the trip.

so.. the weekend

2005-06-10T13:56:00.000-04:00

Well, there has been a nice change in my attitude this week. A combination of medication, therapy and incredile support from people like Dana and Ellen. Thank you sooo much.

My mood overall has been better and I really a learning a lot about myself. I have said that before but I really think I am this time. I blamed myself a lot for this depression in the past and thought it was my fault and I could find the answer. But I am realizing that maybe it is a lot simpler than that. Things aren't THAT bad in my life and if there is something I don't like, I really can change it. And if I can't, then I have to accept it. There are many more good things in life than bad things.

I have reading Depression for Dummies (don't laugh) and I find the cognative therapy really really helps - catching your thoughts - realizing they are just thoughts - and then chanig your behavior. It works well for me.

So, life isn't perfect now. I suffer from depression. But i am gettig help.

The good things in my life are: my healthy, my humor, my interets, my friends, my family, Dana, and a host of other things

Trying to keep that all in perspective

does this work?

2005-06-09T22:15:00.000-04:00

Says I can post to my blog via email.
Will be cool if it works.

Things I like about New York

2005-06-08T18:30:00.000-04:00

- That you can walk around and be surrounded by people but still have privacy.
- Corner stores with fresh fruit and flowers outside
- Smith Street, Court Street.

Some things I am learning

2005-06-08T16:51:00.000-04:00

Ok I am learning that it seems I CAN control my thoughts a bit and focus OK. I guess the medicine helps a lot. That is scary. But people take medicine everyday for other things and I can start working on new ways to control my thoughts - excercise, meditation.

I am also learning that once I made a decision I am nervous at first but that goes away. So it really is better to just make the decision and move on. The pain of the few nervous days after making the decision is not as bad as the dull pain of indecision. Keep that in mind.

Obession.. not just a cologne

2005-06-08T09:37:00.000-04:00

So if you are reading this you will realize I keep posting about the same thing. Well yeah.. i am dealing with anxiety and more importantly, obsessional thinking so that is sort of right in line. But I do promise I am working on it. I am taking my meds, seeing my therapist, learning to breathe and hopefully soon I will be going to the gym to feel even better. I have also been catching myself when I think "negative thoughts" -- "I should have gone to London" - "my finances suck".. etc. etc. I can do things to stop them -- take a walk, send and email, call a friend. The come back as soon as a stop that activity so I really do have to keep on the move to keep them away. So blogging helps. Yes, I may be repeating myself. But it is an activity and I have to keep moving.

More of the same

2005-06-07T09:10:00.000-04:00

I don't have anything new to say really. I will say that I can tell that this Lexapro is working. I have been waking up less anxious each day.. not anxious free, but less anxious, which is good. And I catch myself now when I am obsessing. It doesn't mean I STOP obsessing but at least I am aware of it now. I do it a lot! But it takes a little longer for it to overwhelm me now and I can recover from it a little quicker too. But I have to admit it feels like it is going to be with me forever. I would love to shake it.

So as a lot of you know (are there a lot of you that read this) I am pretty bummed right now. None of this is rational, but I feel like I really fucked up by not taking the London job. Even though when it came time to give an answer I was too chicken to say yes, and even though months ago I had decided it was a good idea to stay here in NY and work on myself (I was proud of that decision) I still feel like I fucked up a great chance for a good job, good friends, and new environment.

I know this is in my head and I am trying to listen to the advice of my friends and others, but it is hard. It is hard for me to focus at work right now.

Interesting

2005-06-03T16:29:00.000-04:00

I found this at:

http://www.anxietyandstress.com/sys-tmpl/dealingwithworry/

"Most worriers are not passively beset by worry. Although they may
not realize it, most actively seek worry. Rumination is persistent
and repetitive worry. (The word "rumination" describes what a cow
does when "chewing its cud" or chewing, swallowing, regurgitating and
then chewing it again-a well chosen word to describe the worry process.)"

Trying to wrap my head around it

2005-06-03T15:41:00.000-04:00

So I am sitting here depressed all day.. sort of... banging my head against the wall saying I made a mistake for not taking the job in London. Yet, I didn't take it.. and had every opportunity and re-opportunity to take it. Even could have emailed last night or this morning. But didn't. Could probably even email now.

I know. It is my obsession. But, it is hard to shake. Do I enjoy being unhappy maybe?

Doing ok though. Meds are working great. Just a little down.

sigh . . .

2005-06-03T11:51:00.000-04:00

Well as many of you know.. I had an ongoing saga -- about taking a job in London. It went on for a bit. Had the offer, turned it down (pretty much out of fear) then was given a breather to think about it again. I thought and thought and though. And well a big part of me wanted to go. But I decided, finally, to stay here. Told Harold (the director of King's) last night. Was really hard to do and still not sure if it was the right thing. But everyone around me seems to think it is. I have a big problem with depression and anxiety and people tell me I need to take care of it. Not sure how staying here will help though. I mean.. they have therapists in London. But I try to trust those around me. So I do hope that "this too shall pass".

Comments, questions?

f**k

2005-06-02T08:24:00.000-04:00

Hmm, Harold Short from King's is giving me a call today. I am such a spaz. Everyone important in my life has been telling me that this tension is not about the job just about my own anxiety and depression. But it is hard to believe this. This really does seem like a big an important decision to me. I mean.. it is.. but I drug it out for so long and I guess in many ways I made my decision a long time ago. I really really really would love to do it. Seems so exciting. But that isn't how I was thinking months ago when I wasn't stressed.

great students

2005-06-01T21:12:00.000-04:00

Guess I am on a blogger's high right now. Just wanted to comment how awesome our student workers are and always have been. It started with Anthony and Nicolas, through Joe, Carlos, Antje, Eduardo, Andrew, Oliver and Michal. It continues with Rachel and John.

They really rock and we would be no where without them.

tapes and pills

2005-06-01T21:08:00.000-04:00

The doc upped my meds to 15 mg of Lexapro a day. I think it has been helping a lot but he thought it wasn't helping as much as it could. I am fine wiht it. i haven't had any side effects yet so hopefully the bump from 10 to 15 won't be too bad either.

I am also listening to some relaxation tapes. I had gone to a mediataion seminar at Columbia with Dana and the next day I felt really great. I cant' really afford to take a meditation class right now but I bought some tapes that my therapist recommended -- they are by a woman named Belleruth Naparstek. I have to say, at first they soudned cheesy but they really work. It is hard sometimes because you really have to let yourself go and touch some raw nerves, but you feel great afterwards you do carry some of the techniques around with you for the rest of the day.

rough times

2005-06-01T21:03:00.000-04:00

So I am figuring the the times of the day I have the toughest times dealing are right after work when I get home and first thing in the morning when I get up. Solution. I think when I get home I need to do SOMETHING -- go to the gym, walk down to the coffee shop-- something that keeps me going. In the morning? Get out of bed right away, get a shower-- if it is early ready the paper and have some breakfast. Sort of sucks that it has to be this way but better to deal with it than to keep letting it happen.

Maybe I should rename my blog "portrait of depression"?

Do you really "just know"?

2005-05-22T16:10:00.000-04:00

I seem to have this problem in my life whether it is deciding on a job, place to live, or a relationship that I don't trust my feelings and have doubts no matter what my gut is telling me. I hear people say about these things that you "just know" something is right for you whether it is a job, relationship whatever. Does everyone "just know" what is right for them, but some of us just don't trust ourselves as much as others?

nothing profound

2005-05-22T10:23:00.000-04:00

Breathing, small steps, one day at at time.

Did it really take me 10 years to figure this out?

continued. . .

2005-05-20T19:20:00.000-04:00

Well it is Friday night. Watching the Sopranos on Indemand. Sigh... I'm sad. Do you really want to know what is going on? Shall I tell? Will blogging help?

First things first. I'm depressed. I have depression/anxiety. I'm getting help -- I am on Lexapro and I am seeing a therapist. I hope that is enough. I've been listening to relaxation tapes and want to start meditation.

Dana and I broke up. Hard to believe. It has only been a month and half and on most accounts things were going well. As always I have my doubts and anxieties and that got in the way. And now I am alone. And I am feeling sorry for myself.

I just want things to work. And I would like them to work. And I fuck up. And I am trying to be honest with myself. I wonder if she would give me another chance. I want to get my life together. I want to get well. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to be sad. Can I do it? I've been doing the opposite for 10 years. Do I just move on from this.. or do I fight. She's special. She'll find somone else for sure. Can I do it before I get my depession and anxiety under control. Sigh. I hope she understands.

I know I have my issues. Feel free to rip me apart dear reader.

A New Post

2005-05-20T18:50:00.000-04:00

Haven't posted in about a month. I want to, but am in pain now.

But I will try. Maybe I should eat first. One step at time.

I'm sad. I hurt people.

Positive thoughts

2005-04-25T13:02:00.000-04:00

I know it is a bit corny but I think one of the ways to defeat depression is to think positive thoughts. It is sort of the idea behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. So I think I should list the positive things in my life:

- I have a good roommate.
- I have a nice apartment.
- I have a steady job.
- I have a good family.
- I live in New York.
- I am dating someone nice.
- I'm healthy.

Anxious

2005-04-25T12:49:00.000-04:00

I hate anxiety. It really keeps you from knowing what fears in your life are genuine and which are in your head. I recently had to make a big decision about a job (and moving) and I wrestled with it for a long time. There were pros and cons to both sides and I really was on the fence for a while. I finally had to do something so I made the decision to just stay where I am now (geographically and employment). But I am really sick about it. Sick I made a bad decision. Sick I gave up a good opportunity. I know most of these feelings are natural and a lot of the doubt is the anxiety talking, but it doesn't feel good I can tell you that much.

I just want it to stop. I'm trying.

I was robbed!!!

2005-04-18T11:19:00.000-04:00

What the heck? They did a piece on Morning Edition today about the New Oxford American English dictionary, the one on which I was a consulting pronunciation editor, and they didn't mention me!!

The nerve.

The Allure of Commuting

2005-04-18T10:47:00.000-04:00

One thing I really DO like about living in New York is commuting. It's my daily guarantee of an hour's reading time (30 mintues each way) and I really value that. It can be crowded somedays and there is the occasional whacko on the train, but most of the time it is a great experience. I admit when I lived in Philly and drove to work (about an hour each way) I did find the time good for thinking and for listening to some NPR, but there is nothing like the humanity and connection you feel riding the train each day.

Today was a lovely day outside. My usual commute involves taking the R from Court Street in Brooklyn to 8th Street in Manhattan. It is a short walk from 8th street to my office; too short on a day like today. So I took a longer route today: the 3 from Borough Hall to 14th street in Manhattan. Then took a lovely walk from 14th street down to my office.

And Chanel Allure for men smells great.

Decisions really are about oneself . . .

2005-04-15T16:24:00.000-04:00

People have often told me that when making a decision you have to do what is best for you. I don't think I ever really bought that or could really wrap my head around it. I think for much of my life I was really wrapped up in trying to please other people - - my parents, my partner etc. The thing is I don't think I really ended up pleasing anyone. In reality I don't think my parents and others in my life really cared either way. Most of that pressure to please comes from internal sources so I don't think there really is any way of pleasing others. Most people are pleased if you yourself are happy. Yet that desire is strong.

It has been hard for me to think about life decisions without thinking about how they affect others in my life. I think it stems from a fear of being alone and a fear that my decisions will drive me away from other people or they from me. I think also I fear that if I make the wrong decisions I will end up somewhat unhappy with myself and that, again, will separate me from others.

But it really is the most unproductive type of thinking. Interpersonal relationships only work if you yourself are happy with who you are and can present yourself to the people in your life as a happy and healthy person -- not a perfect person, but a person who is happy with who he is. I think you can only truly be loved if others can see the real you.

So I guess making decisions really is about what is best for you and will make you the happiest and in turn will make others in your life happy too. I don't think I realized that until now. It is something I will try to keep in mind in the next few days.

I wonder why it took me this long to figure this out?

Friday . . .

2005-04-15T14:18:00.000-04:00

I just did a presentation for our bi-weekly "ITS MeetUP", a sort of "brown bag" lunch thing we do here to share ideas. I presented on the Humanities Computing Group.

It went quite well actually. Presentations are such good tools to really organize your thoughts and also to have an idea of what you've accomplished. Even I was impressed when I was finished with the presentation.

This "MeetUp" idea has been so good. We have 250 employees in ITS and only about 10 per week come to these MeetUps but the sharing has been great. I've met a lot of people with whom I've "worked" for 4 years but never met in person. It also has been great seeing other people's work. I think we could do even cooler things here if we worked together a bit more.

So I have a few hours to kill before I go home. And then I get to meet a very special girl for dinner tonight ;-)

Am I crazy?

2005-04-14T14:32:00.000-04:00

I wonder sometimes. Anyone who knows me and who is reading this, PLEASE feel free to comment.

Does therapy work?

2005-04-14T14:12:00.000-04:00

I am sure this is a question everyone who has ever been in therapy has considered. You spend a lot of time (well, one hour a week) and often you feel that you are no better than they day you started. That in itself might not be so bad, but can therapy make things worse for you?

I think at the end of the day most people who have gone to therapy will say that it has helped them focus on their problems, stop destructive patterns in their life, and in general get a better sense of who they are. But sometimes I wonder. Does it make you just obsess about your problems even more?

The main reason I go to therapy is obsessiveness. I am not like "Monk" or anything. I don't count how many steps I take walking down the street or worry about pieces of paper on the floor. I just THINK a lot about things, mainly about big life decisions. It is natural of course. But I think about it too much.

So I wonder sometimes. Does therapy just make me more obsessive? I feel now whenever I have a decision in my life I need to go talk to my therapist about it and get her approval. Wouldn't it be better just to make some decisions and live with the consequences instead of mulling over things?

Is there something seriously wrong with me?

Ooops, I did it again!

2005-04-13T10:43:00.000-04:00

I hate when I get on the wrong train. The stop I wait at in the morning, Court Street, is the home of the M and R trains. I take the R, and about 90% of the trains that pull into the station are R's. Every once in a while I don't pay attention and I get on an M. I did that today.

It is funny. You are sitting there reading your Post or Times or New Yorker and you notice that one of the subway stops looks funny. Then you realize "Crap, I'm on the wrong train!" Then you realize what train you are on. Then you do the awkward look at the subway map while trying to assure the person sitting in front of the map you are not crazy and staring at them. Then you realize you have to get off of Canal street and walk a few blocks to work.

It's fun.

Should I stay or should I go?

2005-04-13T09:16:00.000-04:00

Well once again I find myself in a position where I have to make a big decision in life. I've had this in the past -- going to grad school (M.A.), going to grad school (PhD), taking the job at NYU. All very hard decisions, and I can never really say if they were the right or wrong decisions. They were just the decisions I made and made me who I am today. I seem to have always left them to the last minute. The best was grad school. I pretty much didn't decide until the night before I had to leave for Georgia that I was going to go. It was a little better for the PhD. That time I decided two weeks ahead of time. The job at NYU was not too bad. I actually turned it down the first time and then was offered it again about a month later and I decided to take it. But I remember packing up the truck and driving out of Athens, Ga thinking "what they heck am I doing?". But, here I am today, four and a half years at NYU, a few publications, a few papers, a Board membership on an international organization. Not bad for a kid from Philly who used to breakdance (I swear, me and my friends really did!)

So now the big choice is a job in London. Those of you who know me know that living in Europe has always been a dream of mine. I suppose, like a lot of "bright" people, I'm interested in other cultures and have always wanted to experience living in another one. But for those of you who know me you also know I have tended to "wander" a bit and seemed to always be looking for happiness in other places and other people, instead of myself. I suppose that is my big fear. Even though this is a good job offer and could be a very very exciting opportunity, there is this part of me that thinks this would be me running away again -- being distracted by the big lights, new smells and new experiences of a new city-- instead of dealing with some of my deeper issues. One of those issues being a deep unhappiness that makes me run to other people and other places for happiness instead of getting it from myself. I don't want to turn around after three years of fun and say "oh, Matt, there you are. You're back again. I thought I got rid of you with that nice jump across the ocean." So maybe some time here in NYC, in a safe environment, with some good health insurance, with a therapist I know, is the ticket. I am 33. I could get my life together in a few years and them maybe try some exciting overseas adventure. Who knows? But I think some time invested in me -- me from the inside could pay off in the long run.

And to be honest, my situation right now is not THAT bad. I do have a good job which has the potential really to be as good as I want it to be. That is a tough responsibility sometimes. And I do live in the biggest city in the USA; there should be some other opportunities here as well. And, I am 33. It isn't as though I won't have to chance to do something like this in the future.

I have to write about something else -- a girl I met. Ok, how can I write about her without sounding totally silly? (I am assuming she is going to read this). You know when you see that girl on the subway and she just sends a bolt of lighting down your spine -- whether it is her eyes, her hair, her smile, the clothes she is wearing, the book she is reading. Something just stops you in your tracks and all of a sudden you are imagining what it would be like to be shopping for the furniture for your new apartment with her at IKEA. Well, just imagine that... but that you actually got to go out with her and get to know her.

I met a very lovely girl. For the sake of argument, let's call her "Levi-Strauss". I've only know Levi for a few weeks but I really like her. She makes me laugh; she makes me feel good; she laughs at my jokes and actually thinks they are funny (either that or she is an incredibly good actress). She is incredibly funny, smart, kind, and sexy. I really could go on. She is just a really lovely girl and I'm happy I met her.

Now we have only known each other for a few weeks (ok, less than two) so I am not making any predictions or anything like that. Just that I like her and am looking forward to getting to know her. She is really one of the nicest things to happen to me in New York.

So why am I writing about her in this post? Well, I would be lying if I said that one of the things that would be nice about staying in New York would be the chance to get to know her. One of the things that would be sad about leaving would be that it would make it more difficult to get to know her. But I have done my best NOT to have that be part of my decision. But I will admit that meeting her was what inspired me to think about the London job some more. I had sort of put it on the back burner and was waiting for the deadline to tell them yes or no, but Levi-Strauss is a really inspiring person and she brought this to the forefront again. Made me think that I should try something daring. Ironic yes.

So it was a hectic week. Meeting someone really really great and spending time getting to know them. At the same time thinking about a big decision like this. It certainly was an emotional roller coaster. But I think I am coming to the end of it and I haven't puked (yet) so that is good.

I started this blog last summer and never used it. I thought this was a good time to dust it off and get my thoughts out. It has actually worked wonders. I think I will be coming back for more.

NYC smoking laws got you down? Try Wellbutrin.

2004-08-02T11:08:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I take Wellbutrin, like half of the people in NYC.

A month ago I was in Sweden talking to my Swedish friends who are both doctors. They had not heard of Wellbutrin so they looked it up under its generic name: BUPROPION. They looked a bit puzzled because according to their Swedish drug reference Bupropion is used to help people stop smoking. It mentioned nothing about anti-depression. Strange.

So fast foward a month to this past weekend when my sister Ellen and her friend Michelle are visiting me in NYC. I mention something about Wellbutrin and Michelle looks a bit puzzled and says "I think my dad took that to quit smoking".

So yes, apparently Wellbutrin is both an antidepressant and an aid for quitting smoking. Not sure which came first though. You can read more here.

So depressed about not being able to smoke in bars in the big apple? Take Wellbutrin and solve both problems. The $8 a pack you save might cover the cost of the drug.

I love America

2004-07-29T21:55:00.000-04:00

I am watching the DNC right now. Kerry is about to speak but right now his former shipmates from Vietnam are on the stage.

I am a bit puzzled by the Democrats sometimes. My impression is that most Democrats, including Kerry, don't buy into the whole "America is the best place on Earth" thing. They think Americans are good people and America is a good place, but that we live in a world of good places:England, Germay, Japan, Australia, Brazil, what have you.

It is common to hear Republicans going on about how great America is and how Americans are the luckiest people on earth. This is the best way to distract people from how crappy their lives really are.

The Democrats are doing the same thing: saying how much they love America; how lucky it is to be an American; and they are playing up Kerry's military record.

I realize, of course, why they are doing this; they have to appeal to the millions and millions of Americans who do think that America is the best place on earth, that the military is the best thing about this country. The Dems need their votes.

But why continute this propaganda? Why not try to present a different and more accurate viewpoint? It might cost them votes now, but in the long run why not try to changes people's minds?

The only thing I can say about the Republicans is that they are not afraid to say what they really mean.

But, I suppose the Democrats have to say whatever they can to get rid of George W.

Just depresses me . .

I can't picture an Italian politician saying "Italians are the luckiest people in the world."

Maybe I am wrong.

Terasa Heinz Kerry

2004-07-29T03:53:00.000-04:00

Just finished watching the DNC and was very impressed by Teresa Heinz Kerry's speech. This is one of the first times I've actually sat through the television coverage of the convention and it is also one of the first times I've been proud to be an American. I look forward to Edward's speech tomorrow.

Transcript of Teresa Heinz Kerry's speech

Democratic Convention Website

Stop Whining

2004-07-27T17:01:00.000-04:00

The inspiration for the title of my blog:

The Arnold Sound Board

Hello world

2004-07-27T16:47:00.000-04:00

The first stupid post that everyone does to their blog.